Saturday, November 26, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Post Partum Blues or just Adjusting to 3??
“Would you just sit still?! Eat your dinner! Play nice with your sister! Leave me alone for 5 minutes, Stop crying!, How many times to I have to tell you, no I don't want to play right now!”
This is how the feelings of rage begin. I feet overwhelmed, stressed, and tired and then I loose it, I grab, I swat, I yank and forget who I am speaking to. And then I'm flattened by guilt. A crushing wave of shame crashes over me and I am suddenly the worst mom in the world. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I pull it together? Why can't I answer innocent questions, why don't I want to play?
I have a history of depression and felt like this after the 2nd and refused to speak to anyone about it, I hid any sadness, weepiness or other bad feelings that might have arisen after giving birth, after all I was "perfect" I've always strived for that and in public I was the perfect Mom. I went out and did things so I was in public and couldn't lose it. I found a great group of Mama's and activities to do and my "NORMAL" emotional state returned. Now, however, as I adjust to being the mother of 3 I find myself overwhelmed by unexpected emotions, expectations and anger. There is no where to go here, so I am stuck alone in the darkness and no where to go to be in public and act how I want to act, not how I am feeling...
Do I feel depressed? YES. Do I sit and weep inconsolably? Who has time? So, how do I feel? Angry. Ridiculously, illogically, uncontrollably angry. I am irritable, impatient, and resentful. Then I feel guilty, which makes me feel angry all over again.
After losing my temper at my two older kids 23 months and 4, screaming at my husband, feeling irritated at my newborn, and having unattainable expectations, I began to feel as though I am losing my mind. I love kids and I wanted my 3, yet I felt like such a fraud for not “being able to handle” 3 small children. I couldn’t wait to have my kids and here I am resentful of the time I have with them.
I thought briefly that this could be Postpartum Depression, so I did some research and found a list of symptoms:
• Feeling restless or moody
• Feeling sad, hopeless, and overwhelmed
• Crying a lot
• Having no energy or motivation
• Eating too little or too much
• Sleeping too little or too much
• Having trouble focusing or making decisions
• Having memory problems
• Feeling worthless and guilty
• Losing interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy
• Withdrawing from friends and family
• Having headaches, aches and pains, or stomach problems that don’t go away
Well, what I was feeling just didn’t seem to fit the list. I now begin to wonder if I am just a really bad mother. I feel like I love being a mom, but I long for time alone. I love my children, but I watch the clock while waiting for bedtime each day.
What is going on with me...
This is how the feelings of rage begin. I feet overwhelmed, stressed, and tired and then I loose it, I grab, I swat, I yank and forget who I am speaking to. And then I'm flattened by guilt. A crushing wave of shame crashes over me and I am suddenly the worst mom in the world. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I pull it together? Why can't I answer innocent questions, why don't I want to play?
I have a history of depression and felt like this after the 2nd and refused to speak to anyone about it, I hid any sadness, weepiness or other bad feelings that might have arisen after giving birth, after all I was "perfect" I've always strived for that and in public I was the perfect Mom. I went out and did things so I was in public and couldn't lose it. I found a great group of Mama's and activities to do and my "NORMAL" emotional state returned. Now, however, as I adjust to being the mother of 3 I find myself overwhelmed by unexpected emotions, expectations and anger. There is no where to go here, so I am stuck alone in the darkness and no where to go to be in public and act how I want to act, not how I am feeling...
Do I feel depressed? YES. Do I sit and weep inconsolably? Who has time? So, how do I feel? Angry. Ridiculously, illogically, uncontrollably angry. I am irritable, impatient, and resentful. Then I feel guilty, which makes me feel angry all over again.
After losing my temper at my two older kids 23 months and 4, screaming at my husband, feeling irritated at my newborn, and having unattainable expectations, I began to feel as though I am losing my mind. I love kids and I wanted my 3, yet I felt like such a fraud for not “being able to handle” 3 small children. I couldn’t wait to have my kids and here I am resentful of the time I have with them.
I thought briefly that this could be Postpartum Depression, so I did some research and found a list of symptoms:
• Feeling restless or moody
• Feeling sad, hopeless, and overwhelmed
• Crying a lot
• Having no energy or motivation
• Eating too little or too much
• Sleeping too little or too much
• Having trouble focusing or making decisions
• Having memory problems
• Feeling worthless and guilty
• Losing interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy
• Withdrawing from friends and family
• Having headaches, aches and pains, or stomach problems that don’t go away
Well, what I was feeling just didn’t seem to fit the list. I now begin to wonder if I am just a really bad mother. I feel like I love being a mom, but I long for time alone. I love my children, but I watch the clock while waiting for bedtime each day.
What is going on with me...
This blog hits the nail on the head!
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/11/19/ready-to-snap/#comment-195481
I unfortunately slap, spank and grab when I am going to snap which is about every day with my 2 month old, my 23 months old and just 4 year old. My husband moved me from Boston (right in the city) where I grew up and had support to middle of nowhere Sidney NE where there is NOTHING to do, not even a target within 2 hours! With the 3rd baby I was on bedrest there were baby and placenta complications, we moved temporarily back to Boston for the birth since the hospital is 3 hours away, then moved back here after the baby’s birth, and bought a house and moved. We still have not sold our house so it is a financial BURDEN to have the 2 houses. I am at my whits end and feel like I am always snapping (similar to my upbringing) and creating a horrible environment for my children. Plus all the comments to me from family and working out of the home Mom’s about “how lucky I am to stay home” This article was good and gives me some coping tips to try when everyone is ALWAYS crying and whining at my house
Seriously are everyone’s kids needy and unhappy ALL the time??
I unfortunately slap, spank and grab when I am going to snap which is about every day with my 2 month old, my 23 months old and just 4 year old. My husband moved me from Boston (right in the city) where I grew up and had support to middle of nowhere Sidney NE where there is NOTHING to do, not even a target within 2 hours! With the 3rd baby I was on bedrest there were baby and placenta complications, we moved temporarily back to Boston for the birth since the hospital is 3 hours away, then moved back here after the baby’s birth, and bought a house and moved. We still have not sold our house so it is a financial BURDEN to have the 2 houses. I am at my whits end and feel like I am always snapping (similar to my upbringing) and creating a horrible environment for my children. Plus all the comments to me from family and working out of the home Mom’s about “how lucky I am to stay home” This article was good and gives me some coping tips to try when everyone is ALWAYS crying and whining at my house
Seriously are everyone’s kids needy and unhappy ALL the time??
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
She's here
Julia Marie
September 12 2011, perfectly healthy and a great drug free 2 hour birth from water breaking to holding her!
After all the complications and worrying my beautiful girl was born at 40.5 weeks naturally and HEALTHY!! and BIG 8 pounds 1oz and 19.5 inches long :)
September 12 2011, perfectly healthy and a great drug free 2 hour birth from water breaking to holding her!
After all the complications and worrying my beautiful girl was born at 40.5 weeks naturally and HEALTHY!! and BIG 8 pounds 1oz and 19.5 inches long :)
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