“Would you just sit still?! Eat your dinner! Play nice with your sister! Leave me alone for 5 minutes, Stop crying!, How many times to I have to tell you, no I don't want to play right now!”
This is how the feelings of rage begin. I feet overwhelmed, stressed, and tired and then I loose it, I grab, I swat, I yank and forget who I am speaking to. And then I'm flattened by guilt. A crushing wave of shame crashes over me and I am suddenly the worst mom in the world. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I pull it together? Why can't I answer innocent questions, why don't I want to play?
I have a history of depression and felt like this after the 2nd and refused to speak to anyone about it, I hid any sadness, weepiness or other bad feelings that might have arisen after giving birth, after all I was "perfect" I've always strived for that and in public I was the perfect Mom. I went out and did things so I was in public and couldn't lose it. I found a great group of Mama's and activities to do and my "NORMAL" emotional state returned. Now, however, as I adjust to being the mother of 3 I find myself overwhelmed by unexpected emotions, expectations and anger. There is no where to go here, so I am stuck alone in the darkness and no where to go to be in public and act how I want to act, not how I am feeling...
Do I feel depressed? YES. Do I sit and weep inconsolably? Who has time? So, how do I feel? Angry. Ridiculously, illogically, uncontrollably angry. I am irritable, impatient, and resentful. Then I feel guilty, which makes me feel angry all over again.
After losing my temper at my two older kids 23 months and 4, screaming at my husband, feeling irritated at my newborn, and having unattainable expectations, I began to feel as though I am losing my mind. I love kids and I wanted my 3, yet I felt like such a fraud for not “being able to handle” 3 small children. I couldn’t wait to have my kids and here I am resentful of the time I have with them.
I thought briefly that this could be Postpartum Depression, so I did some research and found a list of symptoms:
• Feeling restless or moody
• Feeling sad, hopeless, and overwhelmed
• Crying a lot
• Having no energy or motivation
• Eating too little or too much
• Sleeping too little or too much
• Having trouble focusing or making decisions
• Having memory problems
• Feeling worthless and guilty
• Losing interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy
• Withdrawing from friends and family
• Having headaches, aches and pains, or stomach problems that don’t go away
Well, what I was feeling just didn’t seem to fit the list. I now begin to wonder if I am just a really bad mother. I feel like I love being a mom, but I long for time alone. I love my children, but I watch the clock while waiting for bedtime each day.
What is going on with me...